Mindfully Unhappy

Have you ever experienced a heartbreaking loss of self? Like a complete detachment from that person you always loved to be? Have you ever felt that in your efforts in retrieving that person, it only beckons further and slips away? Have you ever tried to express that but failed? Has that failure tormented you and made you feel alone? Have you ever worried that this “new very-unlike-you self” would drive everyone you love - or hope to love - away? The mind has the most crushingly painful inquiries and it has to be the most dangerous place to spend time in. To make a home inside your own head has to be the worst thing you could possibly do. I know you’re thinking I’m nuts, because where else could we possibly fucking go, right? Right. There’s nowhere else. But it seems that the more of a tyrant the mind becomes the more it eats at our being. The more our egos nibble at our souls. I think that what I’m trying to say is that, in the knowledge that my mind rules all of my 5 personalities, I cannot possibly take control of my life. I cannot possibly be happy. Why should I have 5 personalities, anyway? I shouldn’t and I have only my own mind to blame. I’ve come to realize, as Eckhart Tolle would say, that it is essential to “disidentify” from our minds. We are NOT our minds. The mind taints and overwhelms everything in its wake if it is allowed to. The mind will work on overdrive, trying to flex every bit if it’s will on you, while you struggle and ache to sleep at night. It will project its nonsense and it’s bottled pains on you. It will chop at your mercilessly if you don’t say NO. You are not all knowing. You are not perfect. You are not without faults. And that is SO OKAY. The moment you let your ego overpower you with demands to be those things, know that you have lost. Know that you are agreeing to a fight you could never win. A nice little trick would be to look at the stars. Like actually look at them. Notice the colors of the sky. Notice sounds and internalize smiles. Look for the story behind the music. Notice the love so many people around you give. Notice how the world is moving, regardless of you. Admire its progress. Admire its nonchalance of time or space or anything at all let alone your ridiculously paranoid thoughts. You do not belong to those thoughts. You created them, so why should they own you? Reflect and question and wonder and and and.. By all means. But remember You are of the world. Not your mind. The mind is just an accessory made to serve you. So make it serve you.